Thursday, December 31, 2015

Next year

Next year... the New year. A new you? A better you? A Greater You...?

Stop fxcking around and make a change.

Don't try to change Everything and everyone. Just you. One small thing about yourself that you Want to change.
Just one small thing.

Then you'll see how easy it is and you can change another thing and another and another. ....

Small steps :)
And don't stop if you get something wrong or if you fail or if nothing happens. Don't stop.
Don't worry.

We all fail.
We don't shout about it.
Sometimes we might cry about it.
But remember : we all get up. We are all loved by someone and we are all equal.

***

Less than a week left.
Last night I felt fear. I was truly scared to go. I cried a bit. It helped.
Afterwards I felt great. :)
My mind needed to cry out. It needed a hug.
I got my hugs. I felt better.

So I wonder...
If I was not going to travel with kiddo WHO would I hug every day?
A pillow?  :/

Thank goddess kiddo is coming too <3

Friday, December 25, 2015

How I failed today

I just looked through a video where I do jump squats, med ball (5kg) jumps, step ups (with 30kg) and some more squats... I did it all. I killed my quads with 3 rounds. Circuit of hell :)
But...
I started the whole shit with a shrug. Not a "hell yeah" shrug but an "oh shit... one more set" shrug.

Sure it didn't look like it mattered BUT now that I look at it later on and I see myself through someone else's eyes... fxcking fxck, I will never do that slobby ass shrug again.

It's not a usual thing in my life (to shrug like that) but I Will keep an eye on me.
No more pussy shrugs and "last set tiredness".

Life's too short to fxck up on a leg day. Life's too short to drag myself down. There are plenty of people out there who will do it for me. ;)
Fxck 'em.

From now on I'll either kill it or go home early.

No time to fxck around.

It's real now.
The whole thing.

No shit.

Just a giant fan hitting me on the head.

On the 5th

How to pack a bag (for two) for 3 months...

- 1 rll toilet paper (just in case)
- some small/flat/light toys
- an umbrella (it WILL rain, "it's winter")
- first aid pack (basic meds)
- hygiene bag + nappies
- sleeping bag
- milk powder and porridge
- 2 towels
- paper and pens
- computer
- shorts
- my BIG coffee mug ;)
- ...

--> I'm packing my useless shit (too old or worn out) and wearing that around the house... and I'm also packing all my MOSTLY cool stuff that I will wear around town (sport clothes).
And when it's time to come back to Finland I'll just through the ugly-worn out-shit away and pack the good stuff.

Gosh I hope I won't loose any weight :(
There will be a lot more cardio than I'm used to and I need to do some basic body weight workouts (every day) too...


***


I'll be killing my legs at the gym tonight.
Volume and long sets, I think... yeah, that sounds good :)

2 weeks left

It's time. ...
Walking through that door will change me for good.


Monday, December 14, 2015

Mental breakdown

I noticed last night as I was lifting that my concentration can be thrown off really easily.

I had maybe 100kg on my back as I was squatting away and it felt nice and sturdy.
But when a big guy behind me (who was doing deads) was finished left to do some low rows... I just lost "the feeling "....? I guess I kinda lost my training partner?

It was weird. I stopped squatting and started on the hack squat. I went as high as 80kg. (Machine +40) Higher than ever!  So it wasn't due to fatigue that my squats failed in the last set. It was due to the loss of "faith" or whatever. .. mojo?...

Saturday, December 12, 2015

Chest and shoulders

I started with a slow and boring warm up... I guess it's better than nothing but I've never been much of a warmer upper... full body stuff and a light sweat. At least I know my skin is ready and my heart has a beat.

...first some machine and cable action followed by bench pressing (3 different grips). On to the Smith machine and incline stuff... I think I followed with some cable front raises with a super set of plate raises... from there it got boring again and I did some flyes and moved on to shoulders... slow side laterals (one arm at a time at first) and faster front+side laterals with looooong sets. To finish my delts off I pumped everything to shit with some drop sets and posing.

Stretching, foam rolling, planking (I suck at it)... it was a Good workout even though it started like a bad one.
:)

Stats

Over 600 entries and over 20 000 views
:)

This is starting to feel like a real blog now.

It's not about the number of views my posts get... it's about learning to write and living honest to myself.
It's not easy.
:)

a 6 hour dream

I had the possibility to "sleep" around the clock. I took it.

One really long dream got stuck on a loop in my head:

Those city blocks were different. They looked like a movie scene. Just like old New York... or at least the way I imagined old New York. Stone buildings with beautiful windows and narrow streets. None of the street lights worked but I could see that the restaurants had lights on and that the hotel we had booked was also open.
One thing still bothered me... there were cars every where. All the parking places were taken and some of the older cars had a layer of dust on them like they had just been left there... even the small parks were filled with cars... they seemed to be abandoned.
What is this place?

(so idea of the style of the hotel and the cars...)

http://i1314.photobucket.com/albums/t565/SladeSV/DSC_6678_zpsowxvgvbh.jpg

http://forums.aaca.org/uploads/monthly_10_2012/post-88629-143139203488.jpg

http://www.oxfordhistory.org.uk/images/images_high/buildings_south/092_94_alt.jpg


We left our car on the street and walked to the hotel. A skinny young chap told us to fill in "the contracts" and he sent our luggage to our room before we were even sure if we wanted to stay. "Oh, don't worry about the staying part. Everybody has stayed here ;)" he said and grinned.

The hotel looked old and super stylish in an super old fashioned way. It even smelled like an old hotel... I wasn't expecting much from our room.
We were lead to a door and as it opened I saw I was right about not liking this place.
It was a open space with ten bunk beds. All of the beds were taken but two. Me and my friend grabbed our luggage and walked to our beds. Some of the other guests were already asleep and snoring. I noticed that the men didn't wear anything to bed and that the women were gagged and tied to their bedposts...
"...great... I better not sleep or then I should go back down and get my gun out of the car." I thought.
At this point I notices that my "friend" wasn't my friend at all but just some hobo I had found wondering around the city... (I woke up for a sec and noticed that kiddo had climbed into bed and was kicking my face at that moment.)

I heard the door got locked from the out side. Shit. Wedecided to play along. None of the other guests seemed to mind us coming in so maybe what ever they had been doing earlier had been enough for tonight.
About an hour later (I couldn't sleep) I noticed that a small window had been opened behind all the beds. If I was careful enough I could climb out and get to my car. I remembered something sick about the "entry form" or contract like the clerk said... they asked for my blood type and if I had lost any organs lately... jeesus :(

For some un-explainable reason I had to sneak over all the other beds and sleepers. All those fat bastards with their hairy butts and women with sweaty hair and half chewed off gag balls in their mouths... I was lucky that the beds were narrow and they had a wooden frame. I could just tiptoe my way across the room and just as I made it to the window the man sleeping next to it woke up and grabbed my leg with a grip that made me cry out...

"Now where are you going my little beauty?... now, now, now, I haven't seen you here before. No, no, no, no-one leaves with out being introduced to my highness first..." he had a soft, quiet voice and he looked at me like I was his breakfast. I didn't let it get to me. I'm a fxcking survivor. Not a victim!!! I kicked his hand off and threw the blanket over his head. It was wet so it stuck just a little bit... it took him a sec to free himself and by that time I was out the window and on the narrow ledge. I quickly made my way to the fire ladder and back into the hotel. I had to get some answers before I would run to my car... my car!! Where was it?
I had left it in the street but it wasn't there anymore.
Forget the answers, I want my car back!

(my car in this dream...)
http://www.oocities.org/motorcity/3652/1968/68rs4.jpg


I climbed down to the street and looked around. Cars everywhere but my 68 Camaro was nowhere to been seen... :(
"My car... :( I'll fxcking kill them for this >:( !!!"

I walked back into the hotel in my underwear but I didn't see anyone. I got into the service lift and picked the floor that had the most worn out button. Floor 8.
Just when the doors opened I felt a punch in the face. Somebody had been waiting for me. (IRL kiddo kicked me in the nose.)
I collapsed and I was carried to the other side of the lab.
"What should we do with her? She has the wrong blood type but she knows too much?..." I heard people arguing especially about my internal organs and skin color.
"She's good for training... we need some skin to burn... get the scalpel." ...somebody hit me over the head with a metal bed pan and I dosed off again (IRL kiddo had gotten up but the decided to fall back down and our heads had bumped.).
I woke up again. I was tied to a table and alone in the lab. I still had my skin on and by the looks of it I was lucky. Some of the other tables were covered in blood and bone fragments.
I saw a list on the wall:

Oc: android
Ot: android
Dr. Zeus: the king of all these blocks
number of badguys: 2 + 16
time elapsed since we started this journey: 60 years

The lift came back and the doors opened.
"Oh good. You're awake. I am Oc."
A youngish man walked closer and I couldn't tell if he really was an android or not. But he did try to smile and it looked more like he had gas.
"You must be wondering why you are here, hmm?"
"No. I'm wondering where the hell my car is."
"Oh, we have your car. And all the cars from out previous visitors through out the years... don't worry about it. We will take good care of it." he added another of his flatulent smiles...

I kept wondering how I could outsmart an android and I kept thinking about some old StarTrek adventures... there must be a way to get off this table.
"Could I still see my car one more time. I love that machine. He's like my husband..."
Oc stared at me for a moment. I could tell he was experiencing something new and interesting...
"Yes... you love him. Can I see how much... I can take you to him one more time. Show me there."
"Oh yeah... sure. I'll show you how to love a car :)"

He unstrapped me and we went downstairs. He had his hand around my left arm and I had to cry all the way down because he was hurting me so much... I added some extra stumbling to make him think he had broken me. I needed him to relax... I was going to give him the show of his life when we get to my Camaro... gosh I hope my hand gun was still in the glove compartment.

"GARRY!" I shouted when we arrived.
"How ya doing baby?" I climbed on the hood and rubbed my body all over...
"Let me in baby... let me touch you where it tickles..." I opened the right hand door and reached in. I kept my eyes on the android and licked my lips. He had his mouth open and just stood there, 3 feet from the car.

I felt a gun in my hand, kissed my car and popped two in the android's chest and one in the head.
He went down like a bookshelf. The blue smoke came out so I knew he was offline for good.
I checked my gun was ok, got my knickers out of my butt crack and walked back to the hotel.
"God damn what a night."

I was going to put and end to this car-napping and crazy shit.
I knew this Dr. Zeus was the answer and that I needed to find him soon. This time I used the fire escape ladders and started at the roof. To my surprise I was not alone. Three teams of spec.ops were also up there.
"Leave this to us, madam."

They raided the whole building and took down all the bad guys. Ot was found in a service lift having sex with a coffee maker. (I gotta stop watching android movies.)
Dr. Zeus was not so lucky. The spec.ops had cut of his legs and skinned him. They were dragging his empty skin around on a green shower curtain. I could see how his back had staples (3 inches wide) on it running down from his neck to his butt. He still had his "disco ball" underwear on. The spec.ops guys dressed Ot with Dr. Zeus's skin and interrogated him... or them... (oh fxck this dream got sick.)
They had to staple his eye brows to his head so the eye holes would stay in one place as he spoke. For some reason he smiled and snickered like it was funny...

It turns out that the hotel was a front for a genetic manipulation center. A place where Dr. Zeus (who wasn't really a doctor of anything) was learning on his own to clone people so he could take over the world. He was an exceptional scientist when it comes to building androids and robots but a total thumb up the ass when it came to cloning... :D

I sneaked back in to the lab and retrieved the samples they had taken off me. 4 small paper boxes. I hid them in my tank top and walked quietly past one of the guards. He looked at my square boobs and I said:"Dr. Zeus made these." He told me to see a real doctor, soon.

I walked to my car.
I took out the boxes.
They had writing on them:
- green box: blood sample
- blue box: urine sample (now how the hell did they squeeze that out of me?)
- red box: a bit of hair
- yellow box: "anger hormones"

HaH :D what ever they were going to build out of my little samples I'll never know...

***

In other news: I have a chest day today...
I've been thinking about cutting down on pure arm days and focusing on bench presses and back/leg days... hmmm...

It would be a change and when done right (AKA safe) I'll still add mass and strength to my arms and shoulders ;)




Thursday, December 10, 2015

Home workouts

I did delts last night... I meant to work on my back but I got bored. I started with bent over rows and felt stupid after 2 sets (I had to keep really quiet). Then I tried good mornings (3 sets) but it just didn't hit the spot. After pumping my back with low rows (1 set of 100 reps) I moved to playing around with one arm rows on a db and from there I switched to delts. 4 supersets, 360 reps all together. Upright presses, front, back and side raises... uuuhhh... minimum rest between sets. All standing up and in front of a mirror.
(I need to see how my core stays put and how my arms get tired... it helps to come up with ideas on which supporting muscles to work on.)
Abs I did on the floor but kiddo woke up and joined in...

Tonight I took our son to my neighbour for a play date and did some squats at home. I kept the weights minimal. Just 60kg. I did 3 warm up sets and listened to "motivational speeches" again :)
YouTube is so cool!!
First 5 sets of 10 I did wide and slow with the bench (box squats). The next 5 sets I narrowed it here and there, did 12 reps per set and I didn't go as slow but I also didn't sit on the bench for a sec. I just let it touch my hammies and up I went again.
In the last 3 sets I actually let the weights push me down and forward a bit. I got a much better feel in my quads and my knees were still safe. Although it does bring more stress to my back I felt that with the low weights and my pre exhausted legs I kept the workout in the right area :)

She's a bitch

I got invited to have coffee and rice cakes at my old friend's house.
I went.
Kiddo came too and I knew they had a small kid and another on its way.

He greeted me happily at the door and showed me in. I helped kiddo with his clothes and washed his hands in the bathroom. Everything was fine so we walked to the living room....

"Err..mmm... you can't really stay for coffee." he said.
"Wtf?"
"Well... we are actually hoping to have some sex tonight and the little kid is just about to go to bed." he whispered.
I saw his wife looked at me with anger as she cleaned the kitchen.
"Jassååå..." I felt like an idiot. Why couldn't he say something at the door or fxcking call me before I got in the car and drove all this way?!
The wife came to the living room and sat on the sofa. Her dark (reddish) brown hair looked shiny and perfectly blow dried. Somehow she still looked like a pig in my eyes... She started telling about her day in a way that clearly ment she didn't want me there. Her 8 months pregnant belly got her wheezing and she had to get back up again.
I hated her ladybug tee shirt and baggy old black pants. Fxcking cow. She crawled out of the room and went to her kid. He was running around in the hallway.
I looked at my friend and saw that he was sorry. Sorry about the mess the evening had turned into.
I got up and carried my kid to the door.
I heard the wife hissing to herself:"What the fxck is she still doing here..."

"Good luck with the sex part!" I shouted and slammed the door behind us.

***

What a crazy dream.

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

A setting sun

It's 1pm and the sun is starting to set... I  should go out if I want to spend any time in the fresh air and bright light.

It will rain for the rest of the week so today is the perfect day to spend some time outside.
And it's just above freezing so it's not even too cold!
:)

But....
There's always a but.
Kiddo is minutes away from starting his nap and he hasn't been interested in eating well for a week now. Maybe he's just fed up with the crappy food or maybe he needs something new and spicy for a change? I don't know.

So why don't I just pack him in some warm clothes and go out anyway... njääh... I want to sleep too.

Believe

I'm very close to letting go of a dream.
It's fxcking hard to build that reality from scratch and it's an everyday struggle to just TRY HARDER and keep at it.
All I can do right now is wait.
I hate this.
I'm not in control and I can't do anything but wait.

All I can do is stay positive and do everything better... I tell people all the time to just Trust themselves and Believe in their choices and Chase their dreams... now I gotta do it too. And it's fxcking hard.

I work at NASA

A nice dream :)
We walked into a fitness club and looked around. It was a round building and it had an open core section so you could see and hear a bit of the different floors with their different sports: crossfit, old school aerobics, power lifting, yoga, bodybuilding etc.
We were going to the top floor: IFB (International Foundation for Bodybuilders)
A woman and a man got in the elevator with us. They were really fit and happy. They asked us if we wanted to try something new.
"Sure... what?" We asked.
"We should get off on floor 8... you'll see then."

I wondered... Floor 8 was just a maintenance floor. It used to be the spa area, but they built a bigger and better spa to the first floor. I especially loved the Finnish saunas and I was going to get a back massage tonight.

The doors opened.
"Welcome to NASA."
:D

Wau!!! It was a fully built and working space station look alike.
We were excited and scared at the same time. Excited to see all of this super clean and expensive computer stuff but scared that they wouldn't let us leave now that we had seen what really goes on on the 8th floor...

I think my dream is telling me to feel free to get off the fxcking lift (just about anywhere) and surprise myself ;)

Saturday, December 5, 2015

Press it good...

I tried some new tricks at the gym last Friday night.
Some sort of a "upside down leg press"... at first I practiced using the locks with my feet and getting the feel of the depth and angles.
Then I just kept adding weight until it wasn't safe anymore.
The rubber carpet, that usually is used to give a good grip of the ground, slipped away (on the first push) and took me with it. I would have been in trouble with the 135kg on my face if it wasn't for my knight in a gray shirt who had my back and helped me with the last sets.
:) Thaks dude! I owe you a lot. 

I did put that wooden box on one side just in case if everything fails I'm still left with room to breathe ;)