Next year

Next year... the New year. A new you? A better you? A Greater You...?

Stop fxcking around and make a change.

Don't try to change Everything and everyone. Just you. One small thing about yourself that you Want to change.
Just one small thing.

Then you'll see how easy it is and you can change another thing and another and another. ....

Small steps :)
And don't stop if you get something wrong or if you fail or if nothing happens. Don't stop.
Don't worry.

We all fail.
We don't shout about it.
Sometimes we might cry about it.
But remember : we all get up. We are all loved by someone and we are all equal.

***

Less than a week left.
Last night I felt fear. I was truly scared to go. I cried a bit. It helped.
Afterwards I felt great. :)
My mind needed to cry out. It needed a hug.
I got my hugs. I felt better.

So I wonder...
If I was not going to travel with kiddo WHO would I hug every day?
A pillow?  :/

Thank goddess kiddo is coming too <3

How I failed today

I just looked through a video where I do jump squats, med ball (5kg) jumps, step ups (with 30kg) and some more squats... I did it all. I killed my quads with 3 rounds. Circuit of hell :)
But...
I started the whole shit with a shrug. Not a "hell yeah" shrug but an "oh shit... one more set" shrug.

Sure it didn't look like it mattered BUT now that I look at it later on and I see myself through someone else's eyes... fxcking fxck, I will never do that slobby ass shrug again.

It's not a usual thing in my life (to shrug like that) but I Will keep an eye on me.
No more pussy shrugs and "last set tiredness".

Life's too short to fxck up on a leg day. Life's too short to drag myself down. There are plenty of people out there who will do it for me. ;)
Fxck 'em.

From now on I'll either kill it or go home early.

No time to fxck around.

It's real now.
The whole thing.

No shit.

Just a giant fan hitting me on the head.

On the 5th

How to pack a bag (for two) for 3 months...

- 1 rll toilet paper (just in case)
- some small/flat/light toys
- an umbrella (it WILL rain, "it's winter")
- first aid pack (basic meds)
- hygiene bag + nappies
- sleeping bag
- milk powder and porridge
- 2 towels
- paper and pens
- computer
- shorts
- my BIG coffee mug ;)
- ...

--> I'm packing my useless shit (too old or worn out) and wearing that around the house... and I'm also packing all my MOSTLY cool stuff that I will wear around town (sport clothes).
And when it's time to come back to Finland I'll just through the ugly-worn out-shit away and pack the good stuff.

Gosh I hope I won't loose any weight :(
There will be a lot more cardio than I'm used to and I need to do some basic body weight workouts (every day) too...


***


I'll be killing my legs at the gym tonight.
Volume and long sets, I think... yeah, that sounds good :)

2 weeks left

It's time. ...

Walking through that door will change me for good.

Flying is Sirius

http://www.siriussport.fi/

Mental breakdown

I noticed last night as I was lifting that my concentration can be thrown off really easily.

I had maybe 100kg on my back as I was squatting away and it felt nice and sturdy.
But when a big guy behind me (who was doing deads) was finished left to do some low rows... I just lost "the feeling "....? I guess I kinda lost my training partner?

It was weird. I stopped squatting and started on the hack squat. I went as high as 80kg. (Machine +40) Higher than ever!  So it wasn't due to fatigue that my squats failed in the last set. It was due to the loss of "faith" or whatever. .. mojo?...

Chest and shoulders

I started with a slow and boring warm up... I guess it's better than nothing but I've never been much of a warmer upper... full body stuff and a light sweat. At least I know my skin is ready and my heart has a beat.

...first some machine and cable action followed by bench pressing (3 different grips). On to the Smith machine and incline stuff... I think I followed with some cable front raises with a super set of plate raises... from there it got boring again and I did some flyes and moved on to shoulders... slow side laterals (one arm at a time at first) and faster front+side laterals with looooong sets. To finish my delts off I pumped everything to shit with some drop sets and posing.

Stretching, foam rolling, planking (I suck at it)... it was a Good workout even though it started like a bad one.
:)

Stats

Over 600 entries and over 20 000 views
:)

This is starting to feel like a real blog now.

It's not about the number of views my posts get... it's about learning to write and living honest to myself.
It's not easy.
:)

a 6 hour dream

I had the possibility to "sleep" around the clock. I took it.

One really long dream got stuck on a loop in my head:

Those city blocks were different. They looked like a movie scene. Just like old New York... or at least the way I imagined old New York. Stone buildings with beautiful windows and narrow streets. None of the street lights worked but I could see that the restaurants had lights on and that the hotel we had booked was also open.
One thing still bothered me... there were cars every where. All the parking places were taken and some of the older cars had a layer of dust on them like they had just been left there... even the small parks were filled with cars... they seemed to be abandoned.
What is this place?

(so idea of the style of the hotel and the cars...)

http://i1314.photobucket.com/albums/t565/SladeSV/DSC_6678_zpsowxvgvbh.jpg

http://forums.aaca.org/uploads/monthly_10_2012/post-88629-143139203488.jpg

http://www.oxfordhistory.org.uk/images/images_high/buildings_south/092_94_alt.jpg

We left our car on the street and walked to the hotel. A skinny young chap told us to fill in "the contracts" and he sent our luggage to our room before we were even sure if we wanted to stay. "Oh, don't worry about the staying part. Everybody has stayed here ;)" he said and grinned.

The hotel looked old and super stylish in an super old fashioned way. It even smelled like an old hotel... I wasn't expecting much from our room.
We were lead to a door and as it opened I saw I was right about not liking this place.
It was a open space with ten bunk beds. All of the beds were taken but two. Me and my friend grabbed our luggage and walked to our beds. Some of the other guests were already asleep and snoring. I noticed that the men didn't wear anything to bed and that the women were gagged and tied to their bedposts...
"...great... I better not sleep or then I should go back down and get my gun out of the car." I thought.
At this point I notices that my "friend" wasn't my friend at all but just some hobo I had found wondering around the city... (I woke up for a sec and noticed that kiddo had climbed into bed and was kicking my face at that moment.)

I heard the door got locked from the out side. Shit. Wedecided to play along. None of the other guests seemed to mind us coming in so maybe what ever they had been doing earlier had been enough for tonight.
About an hour later (I couldn't sleep) I noticed that a small window had been opened behind all the beds. If I was careful enough I could climb out and get to my car. I remembered something sick about the "entry form" or contract like the clerk said... they asked for my blood type and if I had lost any organs lately... jeesus :(

For some un-explainable reason I had to sneak over all the other beds and sleepers. All those fat bastards with their hairy butts and women with sweaty hair and half chewed off gag balls in their mouths... I was lucky that the beds were narrow and they had a wooden frame. I could just tiptoe my way across the room and just as I made it to the window the man sleeping next to it woke up and grabbed my leg with a grip that made me cry out...

"Now where are you going my little beauty?... now, now, now, I haven't seen you here before. No, no, no, no-one leaves with out being introduced to my highness first..." he had a soft, quiet voice and he looked at me like I was his breakfast. I didn't let it get to me. I'm a fxcking survivor. Not a victim!!! I kicked his hand off and threw the blanket over his head. It was wet so it stuck just a little bit... it took him a sec to free himself and by that time I was out the window and on the narrow ledge. I quickly made my way to the fire ladder and back into the hotel. I had to get some answers before I would run to my car... my car!! Where was it?
I had left it in the street but it wasn't there anymore.
Forget the answers, I want my car back!

(my car in this dream...)

http://www.oocities.org/motorcity/3652/1968/68rs4.jpg

I climbed down to the street and looked around. Cars everywhere but my 68 Camaro was nowhere to been seen... :(
"My car... :( I'll fxcking kill them for this >:( !!!"

I walked back into the hotel in my underwear but I didn't see anyone. I got into the service lift and picked the floor that had the most worn out button. Floor 8.
Just when the doors opened I felt a punch in the face. Somebody had been waiting for me. (IRL kiddo kicked me in the nose.)
I collapsed and I was carried to the other side of the lab.
"What should we do with her? She has the wrong blood type but she knows too much?..." I heard people arguing especially about my internal organs and skin color.
"She's good for training... we need some skin to burn... get the scalpel." ...somebody hit me over the head with a metal bed pan and I dosed off again (IRL kiddo had gotten up but the decided to fall back down and our heads had bumped.).
I woke up again. I was tied to a table and alone in the lab. I still had my skin on and by the looks of it I was lucky. Some of the other tables were covered in blood and bone fragments.
I saw a list on the wall:

Oc: android
Ot: android
Dr. Zeus: the king of all these blocks
number of badguys: 2 + 16
time elapsed since we started this journey: 60 years

The lift came back and the doors opened.
"Oh good. You're awake. I am Oc."
A youngish man walked closer and I couldn't tell if he really was an android or not. But he did try to smile and it looked more like he had gas.
"You must be wondering why you are here, hmm?"
"No. I'm wondering where the hell my car is."
"Oh, we have your car. And all the cars from out previous visitors through out the years... don't worry about it. We will take good care of it." he added another of his flatulent smiles...

I kept wondering how I could outsmart an android and I kept thinking about some old StarTrek adventures... there must be a way to get off this table.
"Could I still see my car one more time. I love that machine. He's like my husband..."
Oc stared at me for a moment. I could tell he was experiencing something new and interesting...
"Yes... you love him. Can I see how much... I can take you to him one more time. Show me there."
"Oh yeah... sure. I'll show you how to love a car :)"

He unstrapped me and we went downstairs. He had his hand around my left arm and I had to cry all the way down because he was hurting me so much... I added some extra stumbling to make him think he had broken me. I needed him to relax... I was going to give him the show of his life when we get to my Camaro... gosh I hope my hand gun was still in the glove compartment.

"GARRY!" I shouted when we arrived.
"How ya doing baby?" I climbed on the hood and rubbed my body all over...
"Let me in baby... let me touch you where it tickles..." I opened the right hand door and reached in. I kept my eyes on the android and licked my lips. He had his mouth open and just stood there, 3 feet from the car.

I felt a gun in my hand, kissed my car and popped two in the android's chest and one in the head.
He went down like a bookshelf. The blue smoke came out so I knew he was offline for good.
I checked my gun was ok, got my knickers out of my butt crack and walked back to the hotel.
"God damn what a night."

I was going to put and end to this car-napping and crazy shit.
I knew this Dr. Zeus was the answer and that I needed to find him soon. This time I used the fire escape ladders and started at the roof. To my surprise I was not alone. Three teams of spec.ops were also up there.
"Leave this to us, madam."

They raided the whole building and took down all the bad guys. Ot was found in a service lift having sex with a coffee maker. (I gotta stop watching android movies.)
Dr. Zeus was not so lucky. The spec.ops had cut of his legs and skinned him. They were dragging his empty skin around on a green shower curtain. I could see how his back had staples (3 inches wide) on it running down from his neck to his butt. He still had his "disco ball" underwear on. The spec.ops guys dressed Ot with Dr. Zeus's skin and interrogated him... or them... (oh fxck this dream got sick.)
They had to staple his eye brows to his head so the eye holes would stay in one place as he spoke. For some reason he smiled and snickered like it was funny...

It turns out that the hotel was a front for a genetic manipulation center. A place where Dr. Zeus (who wasn't really a doctor of anything) was learning on his own to clone people so he could take over the world. He was an exceptional scientist when it comes to building androids and robots but a total thumb up the ass when it came to cloning... :D

I sneaked back in to the lab and retrieved the samples they had taken off me. 4 small paper boxes. I hid them in my tank top and walked quietly past one of the guards. He looked at my square boobs and I said:"Dr. Zeus made these." He told me to see a real doctor, soon.

I walked to my car.
I took out the boxes.
They had writing on them:
- green box: blood sample
- blue box: urine sample (now how the hell did they squeeze that out of me?)
- red box: a bit of hair
- yellow box: "anger hormones"

HaH :D what ever they were going to build out of my little samples I'll never know...

***

In other news: I have a chest day today...
I've been thinking about cutting down on pure arm days and focusing on bench presses and back/leg days... hmmm...

It would be a change and when done right (AKA safe) I'll still add mass and strength to my arms and shoulders ;)

Home workouts

I did delts last night... I meant to work on my back but I got bored. I started with bent over rows and felt stupid after 2 sets (I had to keep really quiet). Then I tried good mornings (3 sets) but it just didn't hit the spot. After pumping my back with low rows (1 set of 100 reps) I moved to playing around with one arm rows on a db and from there I switched to delts. 4 supersets, 360 reps all together. Upright presses, front, back and side raises... uuuhhh... minimum rest between sets. All standing up and in front of a mirror.
(I need to see how my core stays put and how my arms get tired... it helps to come up with ideas on which supporting muscles to work on.)
Abs I did on the floor but kiddo woke up and joined in...

Tonight I took our son to my neighbour for a play date and did some squats at home. I kept the weights minimal. Just 60kg. I did 3 warm up sets and listened to "motivational speeches" again :)
YouTube is so cool!!
First 5 sets of 10 I did wide and slow with the bench (box squats). The next 5 sets I narrowed it here and there, did 12 reps per set and I didn't go as slow but I also didn't sit on the bench for a sec. I just let it touch my hammies and up I went again.
In the last 3 sets I actually let the weights push me down and forward a bit. I got a much better feel in my quads and my knees were still safe. Although it does bring more stress to my back I felt that with the low weights and my pre exhausted legs I kept the workout in the right area :)

She's a bitch

I got invited to have coffee and rice cakes at my old friend's house.
I went.
Kiddo came too and I knew they had a small kid and another on its way.

He greeted me happily at the door and showed me in. I helped kiddo with his clothes and washed his hands in the bathroom. Everything was fine so we walked to the living room....

"Err..mmm... you can't really stay for coffee." he said.
"Wtf?"
"Well... we are actually hoping to have some sex tonight and the little kid is just about to go to bed." he whispered.
I saw his wife looked at me with anger as she cleaned the kitchen.
"Jassååå..." I felt like an idiot. Why couldn't he say something at the door or fxcking call me before I got in the car and drove all this way?!
The wife came to the living room and sat on the sofa. Her dark (reddish) brown hair looked shiny and perfectly blow dried. Somehow she still looked like a pig in my eyes... She started telling about her day in a way that clearly ment she didn't want me there. Her 8 months pregnant belly got her wheezing and she had to get back up again.
I hated her ladybug tee shirt and baggy old black pants. Fxcking cow. She crawled out of the room and went to her kid. He was running around in the hallway.
I looked at my friend and saw that he was sorry. Sorry about the mess the evening had turned into.
I got up and carried my kid to the door.
I heard the wife hissing to herself:"What the fxck is she still doing here..."

"Good luck with the sex part!" I shouted and slammed the door behind us.

***

What a crazy dream.

A setting sun

It's 1pm and the sun is starting to set... I  should go out if I want to spend any time in the fresh air and bright light.

It will rain for the rest of the week so today is the perfect day to spend some time outside.
And it's just above freezing so it's not even too cold!
:)

But....
There's always a but.
Kiddo is minutes away from starting his nap and he hasn't been interested in eating well for a week now. Maybe he's just fed up with the crappy food or maybe he needs something new and spicy for a change? I don't know.

So why don't I just pack him in some warm clothes and go out anyway... njääh... I want to sleep too.

Believe

I'm very close to letting go of a dream.
It's fxcking hard to build that reality from scratch and it's an everyday struggle to just TRY HARDER and keep at it.
All I can do right now is wait.
I hate this.
I'm not in control and I can't do anything but wait.

All I can do is stay positive and do everything better... I tell people all the time to just Trust themselves and Believe in their choices and Chase their dreams... now I gotta do it too. And it's fxcking hard.

I work at NASA

A nice dream :)
We walked into a fitness club and looked around. It was a round building and it had an open core section so you could see and hear a bit of the different floors with their different sports: crossfit, old school aerobics, power lifting, yoga, bodybuilding etc.
We were going to the top floor: IFB (International Foundation for Bodybuilders)
A woman and a man got in the elevator with us. They were really fit and happy. They asked us if we wanted to try something new.
"Sure... what?" We asked.
"We should get off on floor 8... you'll see then."

I wondered... Floor 8 was just a maintenance floor. It used to be the spa area, but they built a bigger and better spa to the first floor. I especially loved the Finnish saunas and I was going to get a back massage tonight.

The doors opened.
"Welcome to NASA."
:D

Wau!!! It was a fully built and working space station look alike.
We were excited and scared at the same time. Excited to see all of this super clean and expensive computer stuff but scared that they wouldn't let us leave now that we had seen what really goes on on the 8th floor...

I think my dream is telling me to feel free to get off the fxcking lift (just about anywhere) and surprise myself ;)

Press it good...

I tried some new tricks at the gym last Friday night.
Some sort of a "upside down leg press"... at first I practiced using the locks with my feet and getting the feel of the depth and angles.
Then I just kept adding weight until it wasn't safe anymore.
The rubber carpet, that usually is used to give a good grip of the ground, slipped away (on the first push) and took me with it. I would have been in trouble with the 135kg on my face if it wasn't for my knight in a gray shirt who had my back and helped me with the last sets.
:) Thaks dude! I owe you a lot. 

I did put that wooden box on one side just in case if everything fails I'm still left with room to breathe ;)

What if. ..

What if the weather weren't shit and I actually lived in a WARM country. ..
What if my job would leave me with more time to myself and to my hobbies. ..
What if I felt like I was in control instead of just sitting on a bus and waiting for the end stop...
What if I decided to make myself happy and others around me...

What if I just keep chasing my dreams and no matter how scary it gets and no matter how long it takes I Will Make It.

Then what?
...I have reached my goals and made my mark.
So what?
...I'll feel good and find new ways to fulfill my life with joy.
Who cares?
...no one needs to give a fuck. It's all about Me. Even when I stumble and fall flat on my face... it's all for me.
I don't need people around me to keep cheering me on day after day. I don't need constant reminders about looking good or doing well.
Those things make me feel "sick".
Don't get me wrong. I do appreciate a remark here and there when I'm really struggling with my life or just finished a big job or whatever. I just don't need the empty words that are shouted at every god damn sofa pillow or candle arrangement that I've thrown together.

Words wear out. Silence with the right kind of smile is golden ;)

Becoming a Pro

I spent last night hanging out with Nicole Wilkins. She's a Professional athlete and a person I look up to when it comes down to keeping things simple and clear... I follow her on Facebook and once a week I check out her tips on living the fit life on http://www.fitnessrxwomen.com/training/the-fit-life-with-nicole-wilkins/ 

We talked about becoming a Pro.

(Before I went to bed I watched a Japanese documentary about an old couple in Japan who had their own supermarket and they were nearly 80 years old and Still kept up the good work... struggles and all they kept making their dream live on...
They said: ..."I guess to be a professional you have to... you have to make every customer happy... yes. That is it. What else could there be? Make everyone happy... :) " )

Nicole had on light brown gym clothes. Something I've never seen on any one... she looked quite dull and boring :D Nothing had a bling-bling on it or even writing...

She told me that being a Pro is not about the money you make, it's not about the travelling, it's never about the sponsors and it sure ain't in the clothing you ware. We had a long discussion about the meaning behind the word "professional". She showed me Youtube videos and newspaper articles of other people who made a living just like or even better than a (fitness) Pro but -and I quote- "didn't have no freaking pro cards on 'em".

We did a short leg workout before I had to go and look for the best meatball restaurant on the Chinese section of Budapest (I woke up hungry).
Apparently I SHOULD try box jumps 'cause even Nicole has me doing them now. Not just Dana :D
It's a shame my gym doesn't have any boxes to jump on.

Nordic Pro 2014, Lahti

Them sticks

...did legs yesterday.
Blood, sweat and gas :/
My female plumbing system exploded like a bloody fire station just before I got to the leg press part... crap!

It's that idiot time in my cycle again...

But I finished.
I ripped myself out of the comfort zone on every set and made those last reps count.

Squats with slow reps 80kg...

Walking lunges (short step) with 21kg...

Leg press (superset) 125kg...

It was a good night :)

The old tiger

Whiskers all curled or half cut off, paws bleeding and hungry as hell... all alone in her open cage she slept. Waiting for the next day, the next show, Her next big number...

The circus burned down a week ago. Half the clowns died with it. The other half started doing stand up theater or mime stuff in the nearby park. The parrot had said that people gave them apples.
The monkeys moved to New York and it's public knowledge that they are doing just fine in the stock market business...wau,  who knew?!

The old tiger. She didn't know of any other life. The circus had always been there for her. Her life. Her home. Her daily piece of meat... but now... no matter how she growled and jumped through the twisted metal hoop that once used to burn with a bright yellow flame... no matter how scary and cruel she looked, no one applauded, no one screamed, the scent of popcorn was gone, no music, no lights, no dancing bears or high wire acts :(

She still got in the ring every night and did her great act. She still smiled with her heart at the audience she wished she could see once more and bowed in the end like she had seen the horses do in the cowboy act...

She was the last one left.
The one who couldn't leave. No. Not just yet.

Circus Mumundus. Once a glorious place to live and work, now a burned down dream, a pile of ash and tangled metal bars.

Her tail dragged behind her as she walked past the once joyful and full of life trailer area. Black dust stuck to her tail and back legs. Soon she would look more like a dirty old house cat than a fierce, wild tiger...

The stables were empty except for the bats that had moved in yesterday. They loved the location. Close to a park with lots of insects in the trees.

Some of the horses got movie roles, others just retired and moved down south. The bears cashed in their jar of tips and moved to Montana. (I hear the mountains are beautiful this time of year. And that there's plenty of room to sleep through the winter.)

"I'm so tired..." she knew she couldn't keep this up for long. No memory could keep her alive. She needed to feed. Maybe a rat would wonder before her and she could force it to show her where the meat locker was... or maybe not. The rats left before the fire. There was a rumor that they started it. Playing poker with the local alligator. Alligators don't take losing too lightly.

***

I felt REALLY sad writing this.

Something hit home.

But don't EVER ask me about the old tiger.

I'll rather keep her in her open cage right now.

She'll rip your throat open if you ask stupid things.

And she's not That old. Just over 6 years... In her prime! :)

Crazy massage

That little (Actually quite big) spine-roller really gets you where it wants... I like it :)
I rolled on it before and after. During my back w/o I did some foam rolling and stretching.
That "alien spine twister" helps all over! My traps Love it :) even my glutes got a little smack from that crazy monkey ;)

I did one of those Dana inspired back days tonight and WUUUUUUUIIIIIIIIII did it WORK <3

My local gym:
Kuntokellari is in Valkeala. Right next to S-market :)
Lots of parking and Lots of fun locals. And Me :D

www.kuntokellari.fi

But no roller or other invention can help me like the human hand.
I need a proper massage. A looong massage.
Mmmm.....massage ;)

Leggies by Dana

I added some abs to the end (2x100) and almost threw up :/

Squats : 80kg

Hack squat : 40-60kg

Leg press : 90-190kg

Leg ext. : 20-30k

Leg curl : 20-30k

Calves : 25-45kg

Crunches : 2x100

Supps 'n' bench

I went to a supplement store the other night.
Bright red walls and lots of different supps for just about any workout  :)

3 huge guys were talking about stretching and one of them was doing his chest&biceps workout in the store! They had a mini gym in the middle of he store and the owner (a former bodybuilder) let his friends come in and do a workout if they used some of the powders he was selling and if they promised to give their opinion about the products :)

Actually anyone was allowed to do a short workout if they tried some of the products.

....

I'm buying something to take before my workouts. But I think I'll stay away from pump formulas and Too many (different) stimulants. Just something easy like the coffee I've been using :)

Warhouse Gym

It's true.
The Baileys really DID open a public gym this year.

I gotta go to Philadelphia some day.

Not just for the city's history and sightseeing but for a month full of crazy workouts :D

Someday... I'm doing it!

Something Dana asked me

"What are You doing here?"

I was at their gym. The Warhouse Gym.
She saw me on one of the cardio machines and came over... all pumped up and sweaty (Dana, not me). She looked surprised.

I was too early. I guess she knew I was supposed to come and train there this week but for some reason she wanted me to wait...

"Just don't go to the cellar. It's not ready. We're still working on it. I'm sorry about that..."

"No. No worries." I replied.
She walked back to her weights and continued with her shoulder workout.
Rob was in his office... I heard him shout on the phone. (Happily)

...

I had this dream 4 nights ago. I still wonder about it. What was my mind trying to tell me? Or was it a reflection of the future?

What we want the most (and what we work for the most) -> that is what we get in life.
I want to meet Rob Bailey and work with him. On a Big project.
I don't want to work For him but With him.
There's a BIG difference!!! ;) :D

Sick

It's a sick (news) world out there.
I feel that I cannot help in any big way so I'm going to cool off for a while. I'm going to forget about watching the news for two days and just let the experts do the work.

My 9 weeks with Markus Heinänen are almost over and it's time to look at the results. It's time to learn. :) :)
My main hobby, bodybuilding, has reached another goal.

It's time to set the (next) BIG goal in bodybuilding and to go at it with all I got. (Actually I set it two weeks ago)
Reaching that goal will be an adventure! ;)
It won't be easy, I know it will be a struggle every now and then but I know myself better now. Every year I get better and every workout is different.

I won't set a date (a competition) or prep for a photo shoot. I'm setting a goal weight and a goal physique. I'll give myself a rhythm and I'll keep taking progress pictures.
5 gym nights per week is too often for me (I start to burn out around week 6) so I'll cut it down to 4 x week. If that too is too much I'll just cut it down to 3 x week and add more food.

Small steps lead to big results.

Big step

I took a leap of faith today...
I believed in myself and I pushed back all the negativity in the shadows of my mind.
I might make it, I might not. No matter what happens I know I will survive. I will keep growing and becoming the person I am.

I struggle to be Greater.
It is my right as a human.

The fight never ends.

My bff

I see you almost every week. We smile and laugh. We sweat and grin. We show our weaknesses to each other and we grow stronger together. We hate it when we have to part in the end and we can't wait to be together again.
It's a love story.
It's a way of life.
It's as good as sex.
I give myself to you and you make me pay for every breath I take in your arms...

...

I miss you.
I was too tired and busy to come to you tonight. It will be too late when I finally have the time... but we'll always have tomorrow.
The next time.
I can already feel my heart racing.
How rough will you be on me?

I'll see you and my blood will boil. I'll touch you and squeeze you with the very light of my soul.
I wish I could spend more time with you.
I wish it was tomorrow already.

So much, too much

Too tired to give a f...
But I got my workout done.
Kept it clean.
Kept it short.
Got it done :)

Life can be a tired, old dragon sometimes but let it have a nap and you got a fire breathing super sheriff on you ;)

...with some killer calves.

Eye contact

(I wrote this on Friday)

I'm spending the night in Helsinki.
This town (Finland's capital) is both loved and hated by its people... it's built to be nice, warm and inviting with wide roads and market places but it often feels crowded and too small when you ad all the people and (modern, not horse pulled) traffic.

Helsinki is rich with different (and new) cultures but it doesn't live up to its full potential (my opinion). Areas that have giant statues and superior natural parks are totally forgotten and often only enjoyed by their older (retired and lonely-ish) residents.

History thrives all over Helsinki's parks, streets and old buildings but quick fixes and constant repairs to the roads and underground plumbing rip the scenery to shreds with their blinking yellow lights and plastic cones. (Every fxcking year. All year round.)

OOHHH.... The city by the sea, a shiny pearl or a pot of gold to the staggering visitors it hosts every year. Still... so gray and dead most of the time. Is it because of the people who live here or the history it so proudly carries? Pulled apart so many times by the kings of the North and the tsars of the East. Maybe it is the weather?

I lived here half my life until I got older and 50% just wasn't the truth any more.
One of the weirdest things to let go has been to admit that I am not from Helsinki. It's even weirder when foreign people ask where I'm from: "Scandinavia." I say.
I don't like narrowing myself to (just) Finland.

stayed at a friends flat

she has hobbies

and weird antiques

we went to the park...

oh, the beach is open!!

no, wait, it's crowded...

...I spent some time at the gym today. It's father's day in Finland. 

Bench press 1RM!

I finally had the nerves to just do it.
I stacked 60kg to the bench press, got under it and lifted :)

One rep. 1x 60kg :)

The other one was so close but I was alone at the gym.

It was heavy but it was not hard ;)

I wore wrist wraps and a belt (my back hurt).

I get to do this

I kept thinking this summer that "I have to do this" when I thought about stuff in my life; relationships, food, workouts, naps, writing etc...
But this Wednesday I saw my friend Bruce, we did a shoulder workout at Kuntokeskus K&M in Lahti and talked (during and) after about life 'n' stuff.
He kept his words clear and uninterrupted  (I kept floating off with my imagination and twisted humor) but by the end of the night we came to a critical part in the conversation.
(And a critical mass in my bladder.)

I woke up to the truth. Again.

Life happens.
We can't plan it.
He showed me a door and asked that if I was ever going to fxcking use it, I should do it while I'm still alive and when my talents are still usable (and not waisted away by the winds of oblivion).

So here I am, sitting at home, thinking about putting my pen to paper and getting real with my stack of half baked novels, short stories, movies, drawings and poems.

The first step is to write a motivational letter. It will clear my mind of all the junk and crazy shit that I carry around.
It might even pop out the king story that I will choose to write with passion and joy (discipline).

Edit, edit, edit. That's the hard part.
That's where I need the most time!

That's where the ability to walk through that big door comes to play.

A fictive story

I filled my calendar with things to do to feel important. I wrote down even the most idiotic things like: ”change the linen” and ”buy a carton of organic milk”.

I don't know why I felt like I needed to feel important. Maybe staying at home just wasn't cutting it.

Maybe I was getting bored in my own life? Maybe I wasn't living my life but drowning in its stupidity and in my own wrong choices. No, I don't mean that the choice to stay home was wrong or the choice to have a child was wrong but just the little things... like why didn't I make more of myself while I was at home? Why did I feel like I was missing out on something and going for a brisk walk just wasn't fucking enough!

Sure, kiddo is teething and I still need him to sleep through the night. Sure, I get good two hours every day to myself (well, it's more like 1h + 1h 'cause kiddo wakes up crying in the middle and I have to help him get back to sleep. No biggie.)

Yeah... 2 hours. Usually it means I get 2 hours of soft and gentle sleep! On other days, days like today, I get 2 hours of ”oh fuck, what should I do. Shit, all my stuff is in his room and I don't want to wake him up... crap I can't do a home workout 'cause I'm going to the gym later. Aargh, it's sunny and pretty out side. Why didn't I take him for a walk first!!??...” and so on and so on.

So what's my problem again?:

not being consistent, not following through with my original plan, forgetting to prep and panicking when given an opportunity to flourish. If I was a plant I would probably die if I got any water or attention...

Lets fix this, shall we?

At first I need to let go of the past. Just let go and let it drift off... usually it takes a while so I mustn't worry if it first seems to come back and the current pushes it back against my belly.

There. It's gone. See that? It left. Now we have a clean surface around us.

Now we wait. Just wait. It's a bit like meditation but you don't have to do anything while your brain does everything in its power not to fall asleep. Boxes and boxes of old dreams and lost reflections get thrown around it that little think tank of yours and finally something familiar falls out. “Plop!” It hits the water's surface and makes its mark on it. Rings form but soon they bend back and forth like they were dancing and a 3D image pushes itself out of the water.

“Whoa...” you might whisper.

But there it is. In all of its wisdom your brain decided to show you THIS image. Your living dream. The one thing that (right now) gives you the least amount of agony and disbelief.

Look at it carefully. Don't judge. Just explore the possibilities and let it stay there, close to you. Next to your living body. You. It's Yours. You made it. Can't you just love it? Just a bit? Don't be afraid. It can't hurt you! It's a Part of you. Let it flow... let it climb on your hand and move up to your shoulders. You'll feel its weight is so light. It will never push you under the surface. Not if you just trust yourself!

Trust yourself.

Starters

"Oh wow... it's good" <3

I was at a wedding last night.
(I was there for the food. I didn't know the couple... sorry)

We had the most amazingly small and clever appetizers I've ever had!!

Small frozen cubes of mango and some sort of a green fruit. Really good. And so pretty!

The cubes were about 2cm x 2cm x 2cm. Perfect in every way. They were served on a white plate with a parallelogram palm leaf underneath them. They also had a third cube, an ice cube, to keep them cooler.

I got a shot if vodka with mine ;)

Another night with Rob and Dana

It was about the size of our Nordic Fitness Expo.
But it wasn't an expo. It was a Warhouse Camp :)
I had made it! A dream come true!

I don't understand how Rob pulled it all off but he sure blew up the bank and half the world when he announced that Flag nor Fail and ALL the other things he runs are going to have a super festival this year.

When the tickets came on sale the web page crashed three times a day for a week. EVERYONE wanted in. And everyone were just normal people. Normal gym goers and their family members :)

The super festival had a clothing&apparel area where you could find anything from hats to gloves, belts to socks, pants to shirts, jackets (!) to rug sacks etc. etc... 

Run everything labs had their supplements out and Speed warehouse did their fast&loud thing outside the venue every 3 hours :)

I wondered around for a while and talked to some of the people there... Just this and that... "How ya doing..." " See anything you like..." ...maybe I worked there?.. or maybe I was just lonely ;)

I was checking out some of the winter coats (I really wanted the pink one with fluffy hair around the tall collar) as I remembered (and heard the loud music) that I was supposed to take part in a massive box jumping/step up class that Dana had arranged for the people who came for a work out :D 

I ran to the next hall/room and made my way to the front. People were already dripping in sweat and huffing and puffing away... Dana looked pumped and glowed on stage as she gave instructions on how to defeat failure and not to give into the fatigue they were all feeling. I could smell the pain in the crowd ;)

Later Rob took me for a fly around (he had a freaking stunt PLANE and he could fly it). He showed me the surroundings and the old mill/brick factory they had bought to keep their mini farm closer to work and to give their crew a new way to chill out --> relaxing with farm animals.. it works! :D

I must say... after talking with Rob again for a few minutes and seeing how he could build an empire out of mud and sand I feel like I'm really fxcking up my life if I don't make changes, take relatively large risks AND set goals that are HONEST and FREEING when I reach them <3 

Thank you Rob.

Sometimes I miss you so much that it hurts.

some links to the real world:

http://flagnorfail.com/pages/about-us

http://runeverythinglabs.com/pages/our-mission

http://speedwarhouse.com/

http://thewarhousegym.com/pages/events

http://static1.squarespace.com/static/54fa4fe4e4b048b4b4f8c715/55e0d12ae4b086681ddee28f/55e0d12be4b06229b717bb9b/1440796991047/Dana+Linn+Bailey+-+Vancouver+Pro+Am+Show+2015+(2+of+11).jpg

Make it happen, Now

Do the best with what you've got...

I got 4,1kg of moose liver from our neighbour... :D

I removed the best bits and the membrane, I cut it up into nice portions and threw it in the freezer. Later I'll thaw it just a bit, slice it into really thin slices, then I'll fry it on a hot stove with some butter and white pepper (and salt).

Together with Richard

I got called back to work at the Gas Monkey Garage :D
They had a "super rally hotrod day" in some underground tunnels in a city near here... I got to print out t-shirts and hand them out to all the contestants. They were blue shirts with the GMG logo on both sides and the name of the rally race on the back: "Tunnel cannonball 1.0"
My prints were not super straight or even similar in color depth or thickness but Richard said that he loved the way I made all the shirts look "old and crappy". Hmm, I'm sure he meant well...

Some of the cars were really strange. There was a fat lady with a short red hair (styled up to look like a cat) and she drove a black, roofless (no windscreen either) hotrod with a V10. It was so loud that she screamed all the time (even when the engine was off). Her car kept dying on her and actually she was the only one who couldn't take off when the lights turned green... she just yelled at her car and shouted "Push, push, somebody push me!!"

The noise (from the cars racing in the tunnels) was so loud that I remember thinking that I must be snoring 'cause I can feel my lungs shake.

Mika Nyyssölä, Mr Invincible

He competed in the (Madrid) Arnold's. Won.
He competed in the Nordic Fitness Expo. Won his group + overall + most muscular :)

Now he fought for the last championship of the weekend... won that too. AND got the overall AGAIN :D

Mr. Perfect

he won our paper-rock-scissors match too... he wins everything ;)

http://www.bodylehti.fi/wp-content/uploads/2015/10/palkinnot10.jpg

You can find Mika here:

http://www.mikanyyssola.fi/poydat-tyhjaksi-pm-kulta-ja-overall/

Dreams just got real

I don't do box jumps but I did do some last night... I did box jumps with with DLB :) she has been in my dreams a couple of times before. We didn't talk much but she showed me how "things are done in the real world". How the first jump may feel/look like a long way but actually it's nothing when compared to the trip ahead... She told me that I was already alive and healthy and that all I really needed to do was Get Real and Start Running Shit. ;)

I love her for believing in me and in my cocky (business) ideas. She made me feel like I could jump a lot higher if I only wanted to. And I will... I know it will take time and that I have to stay consistent and true to my original plan but first I have to get it in my head that either I piss in the face of all my fears or I let them pull me down and eat me alive...

Later I found myself lying around and hugging with Richard Rawlings (Gas Monkey Garage)...
Gosh my mind has a crush on him: His "take a risk and make it happen" attitude.
I felt butterflies in my stomach and we had a slow, intimate moment just enjoying life as two humans with completely different lifestyles. We just held each other softly and let time flow :)
...

When's the last time You enjoyed a moment of silence with a loved one?

Every day is hard

It doesn't get easier. You just get better.

I nearly cut my workout short today. Just 'cause I wanted to go home earlier and get some rest. I nearly cut out 6 sets.  Six sets! It's nearly nothing and it is everything that I can't get back -ever- if I cut it out... I can never live this day again (thank god)...

I didn't cut my workout short. I finished it smiling. I went home happier. I had a hot shower and ate good food.
I slept well.

I didn't fuck up today. It was a hard day in many ways.
I made it.
I'll do better tomorrow.

Never die.

Power plus

The end of the third week means the beginning of the second pump week...

I added weight (or reps) to all my sets this week (powerrrrr). I was sure I could not do that so soon but I did. I had to. I was too strong for the "normal" weight. More food = more strength = more gains = more belief

Next week I'll have to bring them down again and focus on the pump... ohh the burn :)

I am not for sale

Some random guy got into my dreams last night.
I was hanging around in a bicycle cellar with kiddo. I think I was teaching him about the invention of the wheel. ....

The guy kept talking to me like I was for sale. "Yes. You look good. I'll take you... "
I hated his smile.

I felt bad. I didn't want to hurt him but I was Not going to let him take me away from kiddo.
I got aggressive and shouted at him. I remember feeling very good about myself and I felt strong and liberated because I could attack him verbally.
We fled. I grabbed kiddo and ran out the door. The man did not follow.
I think he lost interest after I had emasculated him with my words.

Fake it or die

They wanted to kill me.
They wanted to see me cry... and then die.

I saw what they did to the girl in front of me.
She got fried like a rat.
I was afraid. Not often do I find myself in this kind of shit (in my nightmares...).

It was my turn.
The alien woman looked at me and smiled. Well... she didn't have lips so I only saw her grin... she looked like something I had seen on Farscape. A tall humanoid with an elongated head and no eyes. Legs like a kangaroo but the top half of a chimp. Skin so white it was transparent and clothed like a domina from a bikini nightmare... black and red leather with more than plenty cut/worn out bondage ropes hanging around her waist and around her neck and wrists...

...she told me to stand by the window. My hands were tied to a radiator and a metal string was handed to me.

A bony, thin alien dressed in tight, black leather underwear talked to me through a mask that seemed to change its voice to a low growl:
"Hang on to that string. Don't let go or we will hurt you more.
When the electricity starts to flow you will first feel a light humming. Then we will zap you. As we learn how much you can handle we will keep adding until it kills you.
So don't let go.
You'll live longer.
It will hurt but the view is beautiful, isn't it?..."

I looked out.
The view was out to the messy and crappy streets of an old European city.
I think I was in Prague again.

Shit.
I can't let them kill me.
The first humming sensation started. Then I felt the Zap!
"Huhh... not bad."

I noticed that I could reach the curtains. I looked back. No one was looking.
I grabbed the curtains and twisted them around the metal string I was holding. A dry cloth might just give me the time I need to think my way out of this mess...
A new humming. The next zap. I hardly felt it but I jumped a bit to make them think it was working. .. the aliens were already prepping their next victim.

I had no idea how often I would be zapped. Maybe they just liked to look at pain. ...but why did everyone have to die?
"No witnesses." :/

I didn't get a new zap for minutes and I got more and more worried that they had figured out my trick with the curtains. I still hadn't come up with a way to free myself from the radiator.

"Shit... think bitch!" I got SO angry at myself. Here I was. Being tortured and waiting to die like a fxcking lamb with a limp.
I felt adrenaline filling my veins, flowing to my muscles and making my eyes red. I had the pump from hell and my shirt ripped under my arms.
I ripped the fucking radiator out of the wall, threw it at the smaller alien killing it instantly. Then I pulled the metal string out of the wall and shouted to the tall alien woman that I was going to hang her with it. I started running straight at her with NO ideas about HOW the hell I was going to hang that giant with a piece of string.
The girl that was being prepped to get killed after me kicked the alien in the foot and ran off.
That was all I needed. A distraction. I jumped and slid between her legs and got behind her before she had time to react. I swung the rope around her neck and pulled with all my strength.

"Don't let go. You'll live longer..."

...

I woke up but this nightmare bothered me all day long.
:(

I don't understand it.
Maybe my mind is still going through some of the shit I lived through this summer?

The end of pump week

It's done now. .. I tested both power week and pump week :)
Now it's time to add some weight and keep going, keep growing, keep showing results to my reflection in the mirror and gaining Everything I need to reach my Dreams ;)

Work.
Work.
Work.

Repeat.

She may not know this but...

I got in.
I rarely even understand that I spend time in other people's houses and they don't know it. I just do it.

As I shut the door behind me I smelled it.
Clean air. Clean floors. No dust.
Everything was new and shiny.

I especially loved the white floors :)

Man, she has good taste!

I knew she moved somewhere since her "divorce", but I had no idea that she didn't just get some small flat on the edge of town... She got a fxcking penthouse!
The hallway was wide (it had walk in closets on both sides of it) and it opened up to the dining room/living room and kitchen. Everything was white and black. The kitchen had a round shape to it but no walls to block it from the dining area. It looked like a small Japanese restaurant.

Some of the furniture was really old and rustic but they fitted in to the flat perfectly. I even loved her choice in rugs... Persian :) BIG Persian rugs in earthy colors and not lined up with the walls or other furniture... just thrown on the floor and owning the space around them.

Giant windows gave the most of the light in to the rooms. It was early evening and the sun was still just high enough to paint the sky with red and orange colors. I walked outside to the balcony and looked out to the sea... We were about 3 blocks from the beach and I could see the traffic and hear the music from the streets down below.

The balcony was bare and empty. I guess she has't had time to put chairs out there or then she just doesn't use it much? She could easily fit a bar&grill out there and 2 sitting areas ;)

I went back in. I remembered she had a small, black dog. It must be in here somewhere...

I found 3 bedrooms and one of them had bunk beds in it. A flat faced cat was sleeping on one of them and her black dog on the other. The dog growled at me when I stepped into the room, but the cat just looked at me with zero interest.
"Hmmm... she has a cat. And the cat has 2 beds... just like the dog. Weird..."

I left the room and kept looking around.
The master bathroom (connected to the master bedroom with double wide, champagne colored glass doors) had a wall of windows looking over the town. Hehee, imagine taking a shower and "everyone" can see you do it. Well, at least for a while until the window fogs up.

This lady knows her worth :D

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/92/a0/3f/92a03f73e839d18a9cde9ee05d694fdb.jpg

Life 2.0

Everything is "new".
Everything started from the beginning.

It's a new life.
It's the better me.

I'm still working on my book. I changed the core theme... it's better now.

I'm still lifting.
I'm loving my choice to "work with" Markus Heinänen. I'm really seeing and feeling the difference :)

How will he remember this

It seems that Finland is flooding with people who aren't supposed to be here. 

People who need a peaceful home to live in... they have lost their homes. Well, some of them are lost all together .. Some of them are just FUCKING AROUND AND GETTING US PISSED OFF!!!

But hey... I have to keep things real. In the years to come, how will my kiddo remember me. Will he remember that I did not take sides. Will he remember that I kept my cool and helped the ones that truly needed it?

Will he trust my judgement, will he remember my choices and help people in the future... will he be a "people helper" or a "people hater"...

How can I make him trust that we do not have to leave our home because of war or other shit. ..

What will I tell him when he asks :)

I'm free

The IUD is gone.
It hurt like hell when the good doctor removed it.
But then came bliss. I was free.
The badly gone experiment was over and it was my time to fly again.

I'll write more later. Not about the IUD but about my workouts. My better life :)

Now what

It's nearly 1am and I'm hungry.
Should I go and eat or should I stick to the meal plan.... my workouts are so late that I can't eat a full meal after them and I sleep 10+2 hours a day so it's tough to eat 5 times a day (plus 3 large drinks when training)...

I need to make changes.

But babies

... but have babies :)

They can be the love of your life.
You can be on any drugs or meds or shit but you NEVER find yourself hating your baby <3

He's always number one ;)

"My shit"

This is the kind of shit I've been using.
Hormones.

Female shit.

I hate this stuff.

It doesn't work.

The pills were shit.
I was angry all the time.

The IUD is worse. I'm physically sick and starting to get depressed about it... all the fxcking time.

Don't do drugs.

Yeah... and don't do birth control.

'Cause it's SHIT!

Don't save her!!

I haven't ridden a "4 wheel crawler" for a while and it shows. .. my dream threw me back to North Carelia. We were on a safari. I had problems with my steering and I found myself in the gutter more than once.

Riding past a farm we got into trouble. The road was blocked. We used reclining chairs to build a bridge for out ATVs. As the first one of us crossed the whole thing cracked and broke. No more bridge.
The farmer wanted us to stay for the night. They had a big farm. Lots of tools for farming little plants and veggies. They loved their old school style.

It started raining rocks. As big as my fist.
We ran inside a barn and locked the doors. The glass buildings around us shattered and broken glass was everywhere.
A zombie girl shouted outside the barn. I was in there with a woman. She panicked. I told her we were safe but she kept screaming that we must save her friend.
"No, idiot! She's a zombie! She'll hurt us!" I shouted.
But she didn't hear me and she started banging at the doors and she broke a window so the gray and smelly zombie could get in...
"Shit! All I have are these spoons..." I had nothing to use as a weapon. The barn was empty. I went through all the different ways to kill a zombie with just two big spoons and suddenly a small child ran straight at me. I jumped and swung my spoon.
"Oh god, no!" It was my kiddo. He had a cut on his forehead and he was crying. He was ok and Not a zombie but I had hurt him by accident. Poor baby.
I held him close and he stopped crying. The zombie was eating the other woman.

I woke up.

The new PT and what he does

Tomorrow it starts for real. I've been testing my diet now for 4days and it seems to work :)
I'm keeping it as clean as possible and drinking a minimum of 3l per day (water).

Here's what it's all about :

http://trainer24.fi/

I'm dancing to the beats of Markus Heinänen.

...

Tomorrow I have 3 clients and then I'm heading straight for the weights.
It's going to be a long night ;)

Rest and eat

My meal preps are going fine. I'm very pleased with my new diet. I just have to remind myself daily that this is Not a show prep.
I'm still waiting for next week so I can start with my new work out plans... in a way it's good that I take it easy first and then start hitting it hard ;)
Rest. Rest. Kill everything. Rest.

The only slow things in life have to do with my hormonal balance. The fxcking IUD has to go and I hate waiting around for the postman to bring me the letter I'm supposed to get "any day now".

I know it was my fxcking idea to get this thing stuffed inside me but -fxck!- it's been a joyful thing for a lot of women.
"What could go wrong..."
It's just super bad luck that I can't handle this shit... I must be allergic to female hormones :D

I gotta get it out of me before it "kills me".

His coming for me...

Something BIG is going to happen and I will share it with you guys as soon as I get the first email. ....

I'm going to push HARD for 9 weeks and it will not be like it used to be.

My new "distant Master" will not be kind.

He is a machine, a winner, a true hero.

I'm expecting a serious amount of pain in both my body and mind.

How long 'til we get there?

I saw the doc today.
She said she can't help.
So I'm still "on drugs"...

She promised to get me an appointment at the local hospital.  They're equipped with all the right stuff and They can help me.

Great.

I wonder if I have to wait another month again.
I'll be "dead" by then :/

Hacked it!

Soooo.... I found the time to go to the gym. (No good milk in the fridge -> gotta go out anyway)

Warmed up with basic squats and jumping around and doing stupid stuff with my arms and. .... aaargh I wanted to get started already! ! :)

I kept it clean and tight on the hack. Slow and deep...

My knees were happy and I sure did get a good feeling in my glutes and thighs but my back felt tight so I gave it a rest and finished my quads with both long and heavy knee extensions...